It’s been a while since I’ve written.  There is much to share.  Life has been pretty tough these last few months.  I’ve seen the ups and downs of struggled ordained by Fate.  Life is best understood through silence and reflection; walks between classes, running to grab lunch, sitting outside because the sun begs to embrace you, spacing out during lecture, seeing something out of the ordinary, looking into a star-speckled night sky, wherever, whatever causes a train of thoughts to come from some dark cave in the mountain of thoughts that build up in your pre-occupied mind, it’s good to let the flow run out until there is nothing but a quiet pool that holds a reflection of you.  Flow of thoughts.  

Fear is a monster with one hand.  It can only grab one person, one thought, a singularity.  Many times that single object drives our actions to be unnatural.  I struggle with this unnaturalness, I want to be myself under the pressure to perform, impress, woo.  Guilt is this monster’s best friend.  Its weight is immeasurable, it fluctuates at the slightest thought.  It rides the back of fear causing immobility.  Like standing in sinking sand, my spirit faints and struggles to break free.  Freedom is the spark of hope, but what is freedom unless you’ve been bound?  Struggling, like a ball and chain wrapped around a bloody, raw-rubbed, fleshy ankle.  Heart pieces falling from my chest, I struggle to piece them back into the grand picture, but it’s a puzzle with missing pieces.  I bend down to put a tiny piece in and a warm, soft, gentle hand places the missing pieces in my trembling hands.  I feel rain on my back and I watch as it cleans the mess of my soul.  It’s refreshing something deep inside, something locked away.  The gentle hand helps me to my feet.  I look up into a child-like face, simply smiling in the most beautiful way.  Smiles are the most beautiful things.  Wind stirs up around me and as if in a cocoon, newness emerges.  Wiped clean like words on beach, confusion to peace.  I know this familiar feeling, it was once locked up by failure, guilt, and shame.  At the first sign of a smile creeping up on my face the lock bursts open and an old feeling becomes new.  You’re there now, the gentle hand, the beautiful smile, the child-like love for fun.  We care not what we do, but simply that we are together.  Strolling through dancing trees, rolling breezes, and toasty sunlight.  Hand in hand, realizing that hands were made for each other.  We all come from similar roads, full of struggle, pain, guilt, shame.  Love one another for who they are and who they are becoming.  Let the past be exactly that, the past.  Good-bye, past.  Hello, future.  How beautiful! 

totally unedited and free